Courage

Sunday Service Discussion Notes for July 15 and July 22, 2012

For two weeks we discussed the subject of Courage.

Courage is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. To stand up even when you stand alone.

Examples were given of world events such as the Enron and Barclays Bank scandals. Whistle-blowers spoke out when they saw wrongdoing, even though they knew that despite laws that exist to protect them, that they would face potentially harmful repercussions. Courage is when you see that others are doing wrong, but you choose to do the right thing. To not do this is cowardice.

We can train ourselves to be courageous by beginning with small acts of bravery. It is not necessary for it to be a momentous event for us to demonstrate courage. It could be something much more mundane. For example, if you see your group of friends making disparaging remarks about another person, you can have the courage to stand up and say that you feel it is wrong to talk negatively about someone else. If we practice these small acts on a more regular basis, once we arrive at larger situations that require courage, we will have more skill at it.

This raised the question:  Is it harder to be courageous for the large events or the smaller ones? Sometimes even the more insignificant seeming events may be harder because there is the feeling that this situation isn't important enough to bother making the effort to be courageous.

Another example was given of a fraternity president who cancelled the infamous "hell week" initiation period for his organization, and substituted a week of philanthropic work. He received a lot of push-back for this change, but he showed the courage to move forward with actions that he thought were right despite of the criticism he faced. We have to be willing to take the chance. A courageous person is not so concerned with what other people think; with the possible repercussions of their act. Or perhaps they are concerned, but they do it anyways, in spite of their fears.

The topic of Courage, Lance, our facilitator noted, correlates with Comfort/Discomfort discussion we had in June. He quoted from a blog by Keith Hicks, entitled: It Takes Courage to Grow, saying "All growth happens outside the comfort zone."

Some of us stated that they can get help in being courageous from prayer, repeating a mantra or chanting. Lance said that this brought to mind an Oprah interview in which she was talking to rapper 50 Cent, in which he said that one can either decide to pray or to worry, but that it is no good to do both.



We agreed that worry is counterproductive. The more you think about a problem, the worse it gets. The anxiety you create by worrying is probably worse than facing the problem. Lara gave an example of this that revolved around how she had put off telling her best friend that she was planning her vacation to Istanbul. She was afraid that this news would upset her friend, due to her friend's emphatic negative reaction when Lara picked up a book on Istanbul in a bookstore during the initial stages where she was deciding on a location for her trip. She didn't want to deal with the confrontation, but she discovered that this secret was making all of her interactions with her friend difficult: she had to entirely avoid a topic of conversation every time they would interact, on a subject that was prominent in her life at the moment. She finally mustered the courage to get it over with and tell her friend that she was going o Istanbul for vacation. To her surprise, her friend was fairly supportive and dealt with the revelation with a sense of humor. She noted that this scenario shows us how things won't be nearly as bad as you imagine they will be, when you envision the consequences of taking a courageous action.

A final example was given by Lance to show how we can gain courage by taking small steps. He talked about a time in his life when he was laid off and had a sudden need to interview for new jobs. He was worried about his interview skills because he had worked at his previous position for so long that had no recent interview experience. He began to receive solicitations for interview training courses, and he was so worried that he thought maybe he would need something like this. But soon he began to get lots of short term project jobs, and because of this frequent change in employment, he was able gain experience interviewing. From this, he learned that when you are afraid, and feel like you have no experience in doing something, that you should just do it! We can get experience doing the thing you fear again and again and  we will discover that it will become easier with repetition.

Resilience

Sunday Service Discussion Notes for May 20 and May 27, 2012

Our discussion on the topic of Resilience spanned two weeks, taking place on May 20th and 27th.

During the first week we discussed how resilience is not a trait, it is a process.  It is not defined within situational boundaries, but is a condition that leads toward a beneficial end that is common to all situations.  The situations we go through in life, although sometimes hard, cause us to learn and grow. Being resilient helps us to learn the most from these situations. We all agreed that each of us will go through some trying experiences. The question is: How do we come out of these situations? Do we learn from them? Or do we let them send us into a tailspin?

"Resilience in psychology refers to the idea of an individual's tendency to cope with stress and adversity. This coping may result in the individual "bouncing back" to a previous state of normal functioning, or using the experience of exposure to adversity to produce a "steeling effect" and function better than expected (much like an inoculation gives one the capacity to cope well with future exposure to disease).  Resilience is most commonly understood as a process, and not a trait of an individual." 

What causes us to be resilient? If we aren't resilient, how do we become so? Many suggestions were offered by our group:

It was pointed out that although you may learn coping skills from only one situation, that you can apply those skills to all situations which require them.

It was suggested that we should handle life's situations as they arise, rather than looking for problems that aren't there, before they have even happened. We shouldn't wast time worrying about imaginary scenarios that we have cooked up out of fear.

One participant shared that she had done some reading which explained that we before we enter this incarnation, we plan our upcoming lifetime, with all its experiences, setting ourselves up to learn the needed lessons. If we plan these situations, who can we blame when we are not prepared? Shouldn’t we have strength to handle what we planned?  We planned it for a reason – to grow.

"This, too, shall pass," was a favored saying that helped some of us to endure tough circumstances; a reminder that all unhappy times do come to an end.

Avoid giving undue energy to negative thoughts. This will not help us to "bounce back" but will only cause us to spiral downward. Dwelling on past traumas will not help us to develop resilience, it will only sap our energy and distract us from the present, where our attention is most needed.

Another way of building resilience is to seek the help of others. To realize that we are not alone can give us the confidence to rebuild. We need to create support networks for ourselves of people to whom we can connect. Being able to simply share our traumas with others helps to reduce the magnitude of the problem, like an emotional release valve. These people we look to for support don't necessarily have to solve our problems, they are there to provide a sounding board for us to communicate the issue out loud and clarify it for ourselves. We did note that it was a good idea to be discerning in who we shared our troubles with - others may have even bigger problems that we do, and we may want to be careful in choosing a friend who is not also enduring a trying personal time when we "unload" our problems.

One person shared that she lets others just be themselves, and in this way she is able to learn something new or can see a new way of coping with a situation that she might not have seen on her own.

Pick your battles. We need to choose how we want to spend our energy. Decide for yourself when in unpleasant situations: Is it really worth the time and trouble to be worried about this?

Look for the lesson being taught by each situation, and try to find positive meanings even in traumatic circumstances. This will help us build the strength to navigate through tough times.

It is important for us to identify ourselves as survivors, and not as victims. Our very mentality can affect how events play out.

We talked about how we should prepare for potential issues during the good times, when we have the available resources, calmness, and thinking capacity to do so. An example of this is the idea of earthquake preparedness: to be best prepared it is a good idea to collect foodstuffs ahead of time, plan an exit route from your home, and have other supplies gathered and contingencies planned for. If we do this ahead of time, when an earthquake does happen, we are as ready as we can be, rather than finding ourselves in a panic trying to both recover from the actual event and deal with the needs of the day at a time when we are not thinking clearly.

One person mentioned that they had seen a video clip of Bruce Lee saying how we should be "like water" in that we need to adapt to any situation that arises the way water takes on the form of any container into which it is poured.



A reference was made to soldiers who have Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from war time experiences.  Another suggested that similar traumas are experienced from civil or domestic situations, and while we need to find good ways to cope with these issues, sometimes people who are caught unprepared to deal with adversities such as trauma, tragedy, threat, or stress are prescribed drugs as way to cope. We also noted that sometimes during adversity, many people turn to a "crutch" or escapist support system, such drinking, gambling, or any number of other addictive and destructive behaviors. We believe that this is not the best way to develop resilience.

Another participant suggested that some people are motivated to put themselves in very stressful situations. The objective explanation was:  We have to believe that this is their path, and the source of their lessons. How well they absorb the lessons would depend a great deal on how resilient they are.

One person said that we have a need for inner resilience; that we need to trust that no matter what happens, we will be fine. She stated that we may be better off to "go with the flow" and to not resist events that are happening. She shared the quote, "Whatever you resist shall persist."

We encouraged everyone to remember that we were given this life and all of its ups and downs because we were strong enough to handle them. We should recall this each time we are faced with adversity to help us feel secure that we can overcome it.

Laughter: Part 2

Sunday Service Discussion Notes for May 6, 2012

Last week we concluded our discussion of Laughter. Click here to read the summary of the previous week's discussion on this topic.

In our previous Laughter discussion, we left off with the question, "How does one develop the ability to identify what is funny, and to find humor in daily life?" Here were some of the answers that the group offered:

We need to maintain a sense of perspective in order to find the humorous side of situations. Realizing the old saw, "One day we'll be able to look back on this and laugh," may help us to be able to laugh about it right now as well.  Once we realize that we each have lots more living to do, we can see that maybe a current situation isn't so bad overall.

We should develop the ability to laugh at ourselves, and to not take things so seriously all the time. We agreed that the ability to "lighten up" about ourselves; to let go of some of our ego, would make us more likely to be able to laugh at other circumstances as well, and generally put us in a better mood, as we won't feel as though we constantly have to defend ourselves from perceived slights and embarrassments.

Another way that we can find and enjoy the lighter side of life is to remove or at least let up on our own personal filters. Sometimes we may see something that triggers an initial reaction of amusement, but our inner filter tells us that we are being immature or inappropriate; that it is not acceptable to find humor in this situation. This can prevent us from sharing our thoughts with others, of from even entertaining and enjoying the humor on our own. We may find that if we follow our first reactions and allow ourselves to laugh at things, and even share them with others, that we are laughing a lot more, and now our friends are having a good time as well. Even if we second guess ourselves and think that our own thoughts may be silly or odd, we may discover that we are not alone once we voice them to a friend, making a positive connection with another person.

A natural progression of the last suggestion, is that we should stop "viewing everything as an intelligence test;" in that we should worry less about being judged by others. Our egos make us concerned with how we appear to others and this can be a constant burden of fear and stress that does more harm than good. We may be able to begin taking ourselves less seriously if we remove the worry that others may judge us. We must say to ourselves, "So they are judging me. So what?" We typically find that other people are more accepting than we imagine them to be.

Another participant suggested that we find a "go-to" source for smiles and laughter. This might be a favorite movie to watch, a website, visiting a comedy club, or spending time with a friend or relative that makes us laugh. Whenever you are feeling down or stressed, turn to this source to lift your spirits.

A different suggestion was to inject more physical activity into our day. One participant noted that when they work out and get their heart pumping, and their body begins to release endorphins, that they are in a much better, lighter mood at the end.

We discussed how laughter is infectious. A few participants had seen a some video links posted on our Facebook page showing a man with "the funniest laugh in the world," and just their viewing of the video, watching another person laugh, was able to put them in a better mood. In one of the videos (below) the man was escorted around a workplace and we are able to watch as he cheers up everyone in the offices with his laugh.



In a second video (below), the same man was picked out of a comedy club audience as a volunteer and the comedian in charge can barely proceed with his act because he can't help but laugh.



A story was told about how someone moved into a new neighborhood and the neighbors all warned him about one man whom everyone said was a grouchy person, best to be avoided. When the new neighbors approached this man with warmth and openness, they discovered that underneath the gruff exterior he was really a very nice man. The majority of other people on the block had been repelled, however, by the persona that he appeared to have in public. This showed us that being open and light-hearted attracts other people to you, while having a grumpy, cool exterior pushes people away.  It also reminds us not to judge people based on first impressions or hearsay.

One of the final points that was made what that a sense of humor makes life's sometimes difficult lessons easier to take. We are all going to have to learn certain lessons in our lives, and we agreed that it would be much less stressful to learn them if we can laugh about the situation.

Awesome!

Sunday Service Discussion Notes for April 29, 2012

Last Sunday we had an Open Forum for our discussion: participants were invited to talk about whatever they wanted to share with the group.

Lara shared with the group Neil Pasricha's blog, "1000 Awesome Things." She explained that Neil was the son of immigrants who moved to Canada in the late 60s. They tried to bring their children up with gratitude for the bounty that they experienced in their new home. As Neil became an adult and began his own life, he began to be faced with problems and troubles of his own. His best friend took his own life, his wife asked him for a divorce, and life became very heavy and dark for him. He decided that he needed a way to focus on the positive things in life, so he started up a blog where he would write about one awesome thing he encountered each day.

It started as a small blog; only his family read it. Soon, however, it went viral and his blog literally won the Best Blog in the World award. It was the most popular blog on the internet. Neil has even been invited to speak at TED, and you can watch the video of his talk below.

Neil's TED speech centers around the Three As of Awesome:  Attitude, Awareness, and Authenticity.  The first A, Attitude, reminds us that we always have a choice in how we react to life. No matter whether events in our life are pleasant or unpleasant, we choose how we will behave in response. Nothing can make us remain in any state of feeling; we choose it. The second A, Awareness, centers around the idea of being present. Of being fully aware of what is going on at the current moment, which enables us to appreciate the everyday small joys in life, like warm Sun on our backs or finding some money in a the pocket of a coat you haven't worn in six months.  The third A, Authenticity, refers to being true to yourself. Be your real self and you will be happier than if you try to fit a mold that others are expecting you to fit.



This prompted the observation that it is enjoyable to do small kindnesses for others, especially strangers; you will get joy from watching them smile. We also noted that there are always small things happening around you that are there to lift your spirits, and that it does us good to take note of and enjoy these things.

It was observed that being thankful brings us into our heart center, and that the natural flow of things is for everything to be in its right place all the time. UMS founder Damien Simpson was quoted as saying, "Expect Miracles," alluding to the fact that little miracles are happening around us all the time.

Each of us shared with the group one awesome thing that had happened to us during the prior week, which left everyone with positive feeling all around.